Bila....

Bila saja aku mampu untuk merubah mimpi dan khayalan ku menjadi nyata adanya. Tapi itu mustahil. Atau sekiranya aku mampu menutup mataku semauku agar sanggup menikmati kebersamaan kita. Hanyalah dalam imajiku kau bisa abadi wahai biru. Hanya dalam mataku yang terpejam keabadianmu eksis wahai kelabu. 

Teruntuk reruntuhan hati yang membiru, ku jaga engkau dalam puing hatiku yang kian mengelabu dan tenggelam. 

Akhir Sebuah penantian

Akhirnya runtuh juga Gunung yang tinggi menjulang itu, entah karena kecapean atas keponggahannya selama ini akibat ketegaran yang sudah memasuki ambang kritis. Tapi inti dari semuanya adalah takdir. Takdir Tuhan jualah yang menyebabkan kekukuhan dan kekokohan Gunung itu ambruk. Mungkin ia sadar jikalau tak sanggup meneruskan segalanya lagi. Lebih baik berakhir disini daripada lanjut namun batin tak kuasa menahan. Entah apa pendapat"nya. Aku tak mau ambil pusing. Jika ini memang yang terbaik, maka terjadilah. Walau semuanya bukan mau aku, kuasa Tuhan berkehendak lain. 

Selamat jalan kenangan. Pergilah berlabuh jauh dipelataran hatiku yang terdalam. Kelak jika air pasang, engkau akan naik kepermukaan ingatanku untuk memberi warna kelam di keseharianku di masa datang. Atau kata siapa berwarna kelam? Bisa jadi engkau berwarna terang diantarkan kesuraman sekarangku? Satu yang pasti, kesempatan mencintai dan dicintai pada sebuah pertemuan adalah anugerah. Mengenalmu telah menjadi sebuah chapter yang tertulis dengan tinta emas di hidupku.

Pergilah kisah kita! Engkau telah bermetamorfosis menjadi huruf-huruf di beberapa penggalan kalimat disini dan di dalam hati! Aku tau engkau pun pahami itu. Namun tolong, berlalulah dengan cepat agar jika engkau meninggalkan sakit, sakitnya aku berlalu dengan cepat pula. 

Waiting, I am waiting....

2 hari sudah, tak ada berita, tanpa pesan. Siapa yang kalah, siapa yang menang, sungguhkah hal itu penting? Jika hubungan hanya berdasarkan atas siapa yang kalah dan siapa yang menang, pertanyaan intinya adalah apa yang diperebutkan? Hati? Apakah hati ada pemenangnya? Apakah hati hanya sebuah piala bergilir? 

Jika kesempatan itu masih pun ada, akankah mungkin kita bersatu? Walau nyata adanya kita tau jika mustahil air tawar dan air garam bertemu? Haruskah berakhir? Jika memang, inikah saatnya? Kenapa pertanyaan tak berjawaban yang kian banyak ketimbang kepastian?

Bosan! Itukah jawabannya? Sudahlah! Kita bahas yang pasti-pasti saja! Seperti hidup misalnya! Apakah perkara hati bukan perkara hidup? Benarkan? Kenmanapun kata kubawa hanya berakhir pada sebuah pertanyaan baru yang tak berkesudahan karena tak menyisakan jawaban. 

Pada penantian (akhir?), ku tunggu kau dengan ribuan pertanyaan.

Kesendirian

Seperti angin yang tak penah menetap pada satu "titik". Rasa ini tak "menetap" pada satu "suasana". Serasa ada episode yang terlewati. Dalam keheningan, ada nelangsa. Kesendirian itu indah. 

Lagi, again urghhhhh

Berasa bosan dengan "pengulangan" ketololan. Masalah yang tak kunjung selesai. Sekitar pukul 9 malam, menerima kabar pencairan beasiswa yang sedang diproses. Yah... Semoga akan segera masuk ke rekening Australia. Harapan yang gak kunjung pudar.

Anyway, kamu dan aku, kita berantem lagi. Masalah yang sama. Ketololanmu yang tak pernah kau sadari. What a pathetic! Anyhow, seharian tak ke kampus, melewati jam demi jam dengan film cartoon serasa terbang kembali ke masa kecil yang tak pernah mati. Ingatan yang dibarengi dengan kenangan ayah dan bunda tercinta yang kini tinggal tulang belulang dan nisan yang entah sudah berapa tahun tak pernah aku kunjungi. 

Apa kabar papa dan mama disana? Maafkan jika belum bisa kirimkan doa tulus. Entahlah, dunia menggusur akhirat sekarang. Sangat menyedihkan keadaan ini. Sungguh! Merindukan "mata kiri" dan "mata kanan" nun jauh di Gorontalo tercinta. Mencoba mengontak via telepon, namun tak kunjung bersua. Arghhhh serasa signal pun tak memahami ke'biruan hati ini. 

Meeting dengan supervisor akan berlangsung Jumat besok. Submission pun sudah sejak Senin kemarin. Ada berapa hari luang sebenarnya, sayangnya 2 modul entrepreneurship dan leadership in communication di University Of Queensland menyisakan banyak activities dan reading loads yang menyita waktu. Okelah, sedikit berkompromi demi  2 lembar certificates yang kelak berguna buat kenaikan pangkat. Arghhh pun aku terkenang akan nasibku yang seorang "pelayan masyarakat", makan duit rakyat. Terima kasih atas anugerah-Mu yang tak kunjung berkurang kepada hamba-Mu yang sangat dina ini Ya Allahu Rabb! Mohon limpahan rezeki dan kesabaran pula keimanan serta ketakwaan bagiku! 

Amiin.

Biarlah aku sedikit melanjutkan film cartoon ini. Yaaah! Semoga besok hati lebih cerah secerah musim yang baru berganti di kota Adelaide ini, semoga kerinduan kepada kalian dan kampung tercinta tak semakin membiru.

Wassalam untuk saat ini!

So sleepy!

Hi baby babe bloggy! Just wanna let you know that I haven't got enough sleep! I didn't sleep for the whole night, because I had to upgraded my iPhone! That stupid installation required more attention that I predicted! 

I need to cook though! I am still in bed! The raining just gone, but I feel so lazy! My hands are freezing! It seems like I am staying in the North Pole! Lol

Anyway, the big holy day will come very soon! I do miss my beloved hometown! The food! The family! Everything! Miss my mom and dad so much! 

I better get ready, otherwise I will sleep again. I will see you soon! Xxx

It is over!

Well, this is the end. Isn't it the same as one of Adele's song? I could not remember though!
Perhaps, the one that famous for the Bonds' soundtrack. I will try my best to find the song if I could. lol. Oh hey! I remember now! Here the video is!

Yes it is over!

My life is under construction

Sorry, have not got time to write any since my last post. Research is going mad now. I have been started writing my first data chapter about audience. I have 5 weeks to do revisions and prepare all data that I need for my next chapter about topics, while my supervisors are on holiday in France. A lot of things to be talked here, but I prefer not to. Love is being so cruel to me! It is being up and down as the wave on the ocean deep. You seem do not want to see my heart and hurt. Arguing makes me dying inside and out. I just do not want to care anymore. Whatever!

PhD

At the End of Waiting

Yesterday evening......

My phone was ringing, 7:51 pm, from you! Finally! After last Sunday! We were talking for about 13 minutes, discussing about my day and your family! lol. Golden voice, let me call you that way! This bed is getting bigger without you! This room is getting colder without you! This blanket is no longer warm me without you! This is absolutely novels' language! lol

I am at the office at the moment, counting my data! Waiting for lunch time!

Good day Blog!

My beloved Gorontalo

Adieu

I bid you a fond adieu.

Fare thee well,  my sweet; I will forever, miss you,
out among the golden rays of the sun,
which to whom, could not come pair,
to the very shade of your curling yellow hairs.

I swore, my love,
you were right here,
not just a moment ago.
Now a memory is all which remains.

I bid you a fond adieu, my darling.
For our time has come and gone.
Another life, just maybe;
then, I will get to hold your hand anew.

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/248827/i-bid-you-a-fond-adieu/

Adieu

Gouge my love to a fine vermillion
Sink these eyes in an exquisite loss
You ruined me for anyone else
And left just as soon as you'd arrived

—The moon curled up like a foetus
The bitter gales sail on these nights
I can't quite drink away
Just close my eyes and pray for the light of day

In these hours I can't think
Of anything else
And I'd give everything I own
Just so I could forget

Don't you get it?
I never wanted anyone but you
But you never even tried to
Be anything like I was for you
And I blame myself for it all
Just like always when it was always all your fault

I can only say this so many times
So I'll say it once more so you hear me
I hope that one day you find someone
Who makes you feel even half of what I wanted of you for me
And I hope that man breaks you up in his hands
To then watch you fall through his fingers like sand

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/616043/adieu/ 

Our Togehterness Yesterday

Yesterday evening.............

You texted me on Whatsapp, but then I did not reply. Curious why I did so, you texted me again on  Viber now. Still I did not reply. Actually, I was busy in my office, tried to finish my data analysis counting in my excel until around 7 o'clock. We were involved in a small argument through Viber. As usual, nothing special on it. It likes a primary need for two of us. Then an hour later, you called me asking if I am available, as you plan to come over after working. So happy!

Then............

The night was turning into blue night, Michael Learns to Rock's song was playing when two devils running out of blood. Actually they are not devils, just Dracula. lol

You will be leaving for Melbourne for 3 or 4 days. Feels like the heart is not longer part of me!

Adios!I love U more!

 

Upside Down

Yesterday......

We met! Like a boat in an anchor, very calm, but I know even on a calm water it might drift anytime soon! I need to get prepared! Anyway, I love it! I love it when we were together! Arguing, debating, then kissing after that! Life is too short to not to be with you. Thanks for bringing me such a warm and amazing evening in a winter time! You are the only one I need! 

This morning....

I had a meeting with my supervisor for my data analysis! So proud of my hard work last couple months! I did it right! I will start writing for my draft of overall data finding! For the next month I will be writing 7 pages of my general data and working with lots of tables! Wish me luck! 

Bismillah.... 

 

 

Kim Cesarion - Undressed

"Blue" Memory

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

This afternoon.....

In my office, I had a plan to publish my thesis from my master degree in international journal. When I reached home, I directly opened my old hard drive from my master degree back to 2009-2010. Reading my assignments from all courses that I had done during that time makes me missing "you". A man from the past, let me call you that way. Perhaps you are married now, at least that is you told last time when I called you. "I just came back from my Paris honeymoon", you said. I trusted you that time, but then couple months later I realised that you were lying to me. I have no idea why you told me so. I know you went there with your brother! lol. If you ask me how do I know that, I will easily answer, I know that from pictures of your social sites. lol. What do you think? Hmmm I am such a clever clog to solve that simple matter, dude! Aren't I? lol

Anyway, I should thank my brilliant idea of getting published my thesis this afternoon. As I am drifting away from you now my boy! It can be inferred that you have totally forgot me. I know! I knew it exactly since you never responded to my email, though the email was sent out just to greet you for the happy Ramadan.

Ah! Case closed! Happy for you! Please bare in mind that memory will nave fade away! As Lois Lowry, The Giver  said “The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” . That is the reason why I am writing and share it with all of you here tonight. Finally, let me close this post by quoting Gunnar Ardelius, I Need You More Than I Love You and I Love You to Bits; “How do you know when it's over?"; "Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.” 

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/memories

Fidgetiness

This afternoon......

There was a weekly research seminar of School of Communication, International Studies and Languages. As usual, as a PhD student I have to attend it. I saw her! I know, it is not her fault at all, but I do not know why I am so hating myself as I am jealous to her. She is so beautiful with lovely skin, big eye, pointed nose, clever; perfectly as a lady! I know this is not supposed to happen, while she is one of my best friend here in this foreign country! Forgive me my friend, I am jealous to you! There must be something wrong with me! Every time I meet her, I feel like crying! I always imagine you both are together! Arggghhhh,,,, Just can not accept that fact! This is absolutely silly when I realised you are still with me and not with her! But still!!! I think I have possibly lost my mind! 

I could not accept the "what if" if it is dealing with two of you. I am sorry....

Despondent

Could not sleep though tomorrow will be Monday (Awwwww, now is already Monday!!!!) Geeeee!!!!

My mind is still running here and there (actually just running into you) sad :(

Missing you!!! (Who??!!! Still blurry at all) Second :(

Nice dream to you "baby"...... (Who?????!!!! I don't even know who!) Third :(

At the end, love is the winner!

Finally, the stone was melted! The stubborn was changing! The call was made by "a donkey" to "his" princess. Absolutely, the princess could not deny her lover. The wind of change comes on it's way. The love was the winner this afternoon! And two pairs of lips were on fire, just like inferno reaching the stage. Body to body, hands to hands, eyes to eyes, tongue to tongue, heart to heart, and love to love.

Spending my time

Without you! Something missing! Gone! Yes! You are gone! You are leaving without any "fullstop" to a sentence, so I could not distinguish one to another. All the meanings are having no meaning at all. Your departure is like a rain in a wintertime, creating colder even more to me in my long hibernation to son of Adams. Cold blooded, you are, YES, you are! I am dying inside while my "silent smile" on my lips is almost killing the whole parts of my heart! I know I am as cold as two sticks, but you know excatly the reason why I do! Love, that is the only one possible trigger of that! "Jealousy of love", do you have an answer to argue it? May not even me nor forsake you can figure it out. It will remain unsolve! I love you, so that is why I am jealous.

Magill, 7:54 PM Saturday, 3rd May 2014

To a man whom I adore with all my heart, the owner of my jealousy.